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slept aaaaallllll day. dragged my ass to class first though, which wasn’t that bad. tonight was pretty good though. had dinner with Kiananana and Will joined us. then Kiana and i hung out until 1am, which included watching PLL and visiting Kathleen. i’ve also been talking to Josiah all day. it’s nice. it’s nice having close guy friends. i don’t want to think of them as filling in Sam’s place, because no one could ever do that. and sometimes i’m afraid of thinking of Justin or Josiah and/or any of the guys i fuck around with in that way. but i know i’m not. even if i wanted to, i don’t think i could ever do that. this is weird because i’ve never been able to talk about this so directly. i think it’s because of recent events. i still miss being friends with him. (oh look, i’m still stuck on the indirect pronoun.) i think i’ve gotten over missing our romantic relationship. “friends” is still a blurry term, but i don’t know. it’s hard to explain. it makes sense in my head though. like, i know i’m still hurt and whatever. can’t deny that. but i don’t feel the urge to cry all the fucking time now. whatever. i hope he’s happy. and i want to stop listening to pop music and go back to the music i was listening to last year without cringing. i just want to be able to think of him in a positive light again. why won’t he talk to me? in before “because you won’t talk to him”. i fucking can’t, okay. how the fuck am i supposed to start a conversation with someone who was my best friend, and decided to change our relationship when i was going through one of the biggest changes of my life? i understand that he was doing something to benefit his life. but god, get your shit together before you fuck with my feelings. i can’t talk to you if you gave me the impression that you are happier without me, okay. and the little efforts i made were really big steps for me. i know you said you would respond whenever i wanted to talk to you, but you promised me a lot of things that you changed your mind about. fuck. i was not expecting this post to go in this direction. it’s late and i slept all day and i had espresso at 6pm.
